Coming Full Circle: Observe, Reflect, Discuss | Episode 20
Could revisiting your childhood passions be the key to bringing more fulfillment to your daily routines, both in life and at work? Join us on our 20th episode milestone as we explore the power of gratitude, not just for grand gestures but for the little comforts that make life sweeter.
We dive into the concept of “ikigai”—your reason for being—and discover how reigniting your lost passions can blur the lines between work and play, making every day more rewarding. We tackle generational clashes in the workplace and examine how younger generations’ quest for authenticity contrasts with older generations’ more traditional values. Through our own stories and the idea of the learning circle, we emphasize the importance of intergenerational understanding and disciplined personal growth.
Struggling with breaking old habits? Whether it’s quitting a 25-year nicotine addiction or managing emotional outbursts, this episode emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and accountability. Join us and explore how to resolve conflicts and reduce defensiveness to build healthier and more productive relationships across all age groups. When we challenge old patterns of thinking and embrace authenticity, we can unlock our potential.
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Full Transcript
Scott: 0:01
You know, gratitude heals a lot of stuff. I don’t care how bad your life is. Sometimes even air conditioning in your car can make yourself feel better.
Wendy: 0:13
Welcome back everyone. Guess what we are on episode 20.
Scott: 0:20
That’s exciting.
Wendy: 0:22
Yay, I know, just keep on keeping on. We are glad that, uh, our listeners are back with us and thank you for thank you for your support and, um, for being engaged. We love seeing all the positive feedback, uh, you know, when we post things on social media and so forth, so, if there’s anything, sometimes we forget this to ask you that if you have feedback or if you have anything to share with us that we can do better, or what you’re liking or what you would like to hear, please let us know. So, with that, I know last episode, scott was sharing, of course, more about his book and, and, just as we maybe wrap some of that up today, um, I think we had asked everyone.
Wendy: 1:09
Every time we try to ask people to go inside and we challenge them, we challenge their perspective around something that we’ve shared, and so we talked a lot about surrendering and, um, and and so we had asked if you could think about what do you need or want to let go of and also connect back to when you were young, right, and when you were a child and when you remembered having joy and having fun, and, and Scott asked you to connect with your five senses. You know, what do you remember smelling, hearing, et cetera, and so hopefully you have the opportunity to do that and before we, you know, jump into anything else, just Scott or Karen, anything else around that that we wanted to spend any time on, based on what we talked about last time there’s a thread to pull through that.
Karen: 2:13
When we see when we can go back into that childhood and then we can see ourselves as we become teenagers. And then when we start like high school and then go to you know after that, whatever it is, we do college or working or whatever it is we then become a bit robotic in a way that we believe we’ve got to go and do these things because that’s what society tells us, what our parents expect of us, what our teachers impress upon us is important coaches, all of that right, but we miss. I love the going back into that because when we can pull through, there’s something about our essence in that. There’s something about our soul still craves that and I use this a lot in with my clients. What I refer to is the ikigai method, but I go a little bit. I do a little bit of a different thing.
Karen: 3:17
Ikigai is the Japanese term for life purpose, and not that I want to get derailing here and do this, but just there’s something really notable about what we’re talking about and that surrender and becoming authentic and then going back into those moments when we were little and we were like, what was it that you loved to do, that you couldn’t wait to do again, Like there’s something really important about that and we lose it somewhere along the way as we become adults and if we can get that back, that’s the piece of our, that is a puzzle piece that is so important for us to solution somehow so that we can feel that level of authenticity and reach our full potential. So that was something I just wanted to share.
Wendy: 3:59
And I love that you bring that up, karen, because I feel like we get to be adults and then we’re like what should I do, or what do I have to do, you know? And so when we can step back and do that and and know that that exactly what you described is what is what we’re called to do, is what is what we’re? Called to do.
Karen: 4:26
And so, um, yeah, like when we’re disconnected from that, it’s what creates our discontent, it’s what creates our heaviness in life.
Wendy: 4:41
Right, and it goes back to what you know Scott’s whole book is about too when we can each show up in that most authentic way and the way that we were called to and meant to like.
Wendy: 4:48
Of course, we’re going to help create a great culture within, but then a great culture, you know, with others, no matter whether that where that is, whether it’s with our family or our organization and so forth.
Wendy: 4:57
And, and you know, I I’ve been able to say in the latter part of my career, um, that, especially when I really started diving into people development and coaching, was, I feel, like you know, in my work. It’s where the line between work and play is blurred, and that’s because I feel like I’m aligned in this work and I feel like that’s a really good we’re all going to have to do, no matter what we’re doing. I believe that there’s always going to be an aspect of what we do that we’re like I don’t want to do that Like. For me it’s technology, but I’m not going to get away from dealing with technology right or spreadsheets or whatever it might be Dealing with technology right or spreadsheets or whatever it might be, but when we can find that spot, that the line between work and play is blurred. I mean, isn’t that like such a joy that we get to bring to the world and of course that’s going to make a big difference.
Karen: 6:05
It repletes our energy. Right it repletes our energy. We’re living more of a purposeful place in the presence, and that repletes our energy when we’re focused on deadlines and outcomes, and goals and KPIs and OKRs.
Wendy: 6:21
That depletes our energy.
Scott: 6:23
I’m not going to ask you how old you are, because I’m smarter than that, but I do believe this younger generation. Um, at least my opinion is this, but that’s what they desire.
Karen: 6:39
They’re truth seekers yeah.
Scott: 6:42
And so they’ll behave the same way inside of a company as they will, you know, at Warped Wing, watching a basketball game, where and they’re friends they have friends inside work. They also have friends, you know, at Warped Wing. This, these images, they’re trying to do and trying to create and protect and all the all of this gunk and that there’s there’s a side of that just is really kind of cool and it’s kind of freeing.
Karen: 7:15
Totally. But notice those that are still of the different generation, let’s just say, still find it shocking and struggle sometimes to accept that that is a way. It may not be the better way, but it is a way because there’s still a tremendous amount of judgment in the way that that generation was taught right and the way that they believe the importance of this and that and these and those and have to do we have to do it like this way right. So big disconnect.
Scott: 7:50
I remember one time I don’t know who it was a bunch of us were complaining about millennials. We’re going like just peppering, you know, trophy generation. Da da, da da da. Taylor’s on here, which was awesome. Speak up. Taylor he just kind of he kind of shut us up. He was like hey, can I ask you a question? It’s like yeah, and he’s like who raised us?
Wendy: 8:13
Thank you, taylor, and I ask you a question. It’s like yeah, and he’s like who raised us?
Scott: 8:15
thank you, taylor and I was like ouch, like that was, that was gigantic we are the enablers interesting is we took something from our past that we did not want our children to experience, and we screwed it up, right, but we had good intent.
Scott: 8:37
Yeah, we were doing the best we could based on our level of consciousness at that time, very best we could. What’s super interesting, interesting in that whole conversation, is the generation ahead of us, the generation inside of us and then generation behind us that we’re nurturing and coaching. What are the things we don’t appreciate? What are the things we do appreciate and what are we trying to grow into? And I’ve never liked picking on generations Like I’ve met I’ve met high schoolers that act like baby boomers and I’ve met baby boomers that act like high schoolers. So I’m not like I’m not in this like grid, like this grid range.
Scott: 9:17
But I do think it’s something really interesting that you bring up is like you know, and you even have something behind you, wendy. It says all things are possible if you believe. And I think the second part of the first part of that is all things are possible, some things are possible if you think it right. But there’s a big gap between thinking something and then believing something. And that’s where I think a lot of the deep self-discovery comes from. Do you want to go there? Do you want to go inside? Do you want to dig through that? Do you want to ask your spouse or friends or significant others Like what’s you know, what’s important to you?
Wendy: 9:55
Yeah, because hearing about it and doing something about it are two different things oh yeah doing something differently or being something differently, versus just hearing it and being like, yeah, that yeah, oh that’s.
Scott: 10:08
It’s so easy to get super defensive too, oh my gosh yeah, you know, I think um super defensive too.
Wendy: 10:16
Oh my gosh. Yeah, you know, I think, um, I love that. And, again, we could have multiple podcast episodes on generations too. But what I love about that is the reminder that we get the opportunity to learn from each other. I don’t, it doesn’t matter what our generation is, so how can we learn from each other? Because we we in the age gap that we are in, right that we can definitely learn something from the younger generation and vice versa. And so, scott, um, another one of the you talked about the triangle shape in the last episode, when we were together and talking about what that meant, um, and I think this is a good opportunity to talk about the learning circle, because, no matter who we are, we can lean into that. So can you share? Because you have that in your book too, right, do you have that in your book?
Scott: 11:10
Yep, I think the learning circle. So there was like three different shapes, actually four. So there’s the square, and then we talked about the triangle last episode, and then there’s a semicircle. But I think, if there’s so, if we go through the triangle and we do it with some discipline and intent and we even talked about the backpacks so the learning circle, in my opinion, helps people not have to put those b. We’re offended in one way.
Scott: 11:58
Normally what happens is in the moment or at home. We’ll observe what happened and, by the way, we do this all upstairs in this crazy noggin. Then we reflect on what happened. How did it affect me internally? How did it affect my ego? How did it affect my ego? How did like all of that stuff? And then we have these discussions with ourselves what could have been done differently? How am I going to tear this person down? How am I going to? We do all of this on the right side.
Scott: 12:27
This is where the rocks keep going in and I think on one of the episodes, this is when you’re having a conversation with somebody and they’re not there, but you’re winning, right, you are winning and someone is getting smaller and you’re getting bigger and ultimately is where what Karen was talking about. This is where the truth comes alive. So the first side of the circle and I love when Karen brought this up this is fear. Right, because it’s trapped in our own head. We’re not seeking advice, we’re, we’re using unfortunately, we’re getting hijacked our past experiences, which can only look backwards. It can’t look forward, it can’t say hey, who’s got want to be and said, no, let’s just go back to who he was before.
Scott: 13:15
Um, and the left side of the of the circle is truth. This is when I get in somebody else’s noggin and I discuss what happened and I bring to light what happened and then they can hold me accountable for next steps and then I take action. If I follow the circle all the way around, then what happens is I create a significant event and then I grow, because the next time it happens to me maybe I don’t even have to observe, reflect, discuss, talk to somebody else. I’ve learned those tools. So we are not born with these tools, they are not innate. When we understand how these tools work in our lives, my opinion our lives just get lighter, much lighter. That was a long answer to a short question, wendy.
Wendy: 14:09
No, it was great. It was a great answer. Thank you, and.
Karen: 14:11
I love kairos moment.
Karen: 14:13
I love that language go ahead, karen, this reminds me of um, some language that we’ve used, wendy from ipec, in that, uh, awareness is your gift. That’s that first discipline, and being able to have you can’t you know, you can’t know what you don’t know, right, but once you now know, then what do you want to do with that? And the second discipline is acceptance being able to see what can I, what? What can I control? And what can I control? When I can’t control something, I gotta figure out how to surrender to it. If I can control it.
Karen: 14:51
What does that mean? Now, control doesn’t mean from a hijack perspective, but what do I get to take control of myself? What can I do? That might be different. And that’s the third discipline here would be conscious choice, which is that place, like you said, taking action from a perspective in that aware, and acceptance, with the data that we need to know what we would want to be different, again, different, not because we weren’t good enough or smart enough or because we were, whatever negative. It’s not, that’s not it. It’s just we have now the data to know what looks like to be different.
Scott: 15:35
Yeah, and we get to do that, like even in recovery, it’s the healing comes through a making amends and not under the intent of somebody will forgive you. Someone might forgive you, but if you’re married, you understand, they’ll never forget. That’s a joke, by the way. Married, you understand, they’ll never forget. That’s a joke, by the way. Well, most people don’t forget, but they might have an intent to forgive, um, but when? So, like an interesting thing to think about. If, if you think that you have this all figured out, just think about your day and when you go home and you put your head on the pillar, think of how many apologies you might have to make. Do I have to make any apologies to others or myself?
Wendy: 16:22
And that piece right there. Scott, I’m so glad that you said that, and I know this is how you think and feel too about that. Like we forget that part that it has to start with ourselves first, Right?
Scott: 16:34
Yeah, and there’s a lot of freedom in that, and that’s where that observe like did I offend somebody? And the other thing too is our job even when we live in this spiritual peace and serenity and things feel great our job is not to go fix humanity either. You ever heard me say two sickies don’t make a wellie. Well, if I’m well and I’m talking to a person, I mean I hope for them and I pray for them, but my job is not to fix them. Yeah, like you, unfortunately, sometimes, if you don’t want my advice and go figure out, go buy a helmet and let life hit you really hard. I hope you find it, but but my job is not to that’s where the spiritually righteous and the self-judgment and all of that that is not attractive to humanity at all.
Scott: 17:24
That’s why I ran away from church in the first place. It’s like I don’t know who you’re talking about, but I don’t want anything to do with that person or that. God Like no.
Karen: 17:38
Yeah, heaps of stuff Powerful.
Scott: 17:43
Well, I’ve had like five cups of coffee and I’m not chewing anymore Nicorette gum.
Wendy: 17:49
So, settle in.
Karen: 17:50
Yeah, straight up.
Wendy: 17:50
Rollercoaster yeah.
Karen: 17:57
Good thing we only have about 10 more minutes, huh.
Scott: 17:59
Yeah. I have chewed it for 25 years.
Wendy: 18:05
That’s interesting.
Karen: 18:06
Yeah, I have chewed it for 25 years.
Wendy: 18:08
That’s interesting. Yeah, it’s what you weren’t doing for 25 years right, it’s what you weren’t doing for 25 years.
Scott: 18:14
That’s true, that is true.
Karen: 18:17
But you know it’s, it’s it’s obviously.
Scott: 18:19
Nicotine is a big habit, physically, but also emotionally.
Karen: 18:27
Gum oral like fidgety the fixations yeah.
Scott: 18:31
So like I’m sitting here and I’ve got these like Dayton Development Coalition coins in my hand, I like I’ve got, I’ve got, like something’s gotta happen.
Karen: 18:40
We need to get him a fidget spinner. Yes, yes, that would be that.
Scott: 18:44
Yeah, that would be that, yeah, that would be good, that would be really good, and I’m trying to be really quiet too, because I mess with these things and it’s going to get then it’s going to really and you’re going to drop until there’s going to get upset yeah, all of those things, because he won’t be able to get that out of the podcast, so I’m trying to figure all that out
Scott: 19:02
yeah but it’s working. But I’ll tell you a secret. I was upstairs getting ready and I had this pair of shorts and I grabbed them and a piece of gum fell out of the pocket. I was like, oh my gosh you’re like there it is yeah so I know, like in the next two weeks, like I’m gonna, like I’m gonna, I’ll be in my golf bag like stumble upon I’ll be in a briefcase or a coat or a jacket and I’ll just be like oh, did you guys ever smoke cigarettes?
Karen: 19:28
Yes.
Scott: 19:30
Do you remember being out of cigarettes, like being completely out, and then do you remember finding one, like it was just like you got like cold. That’s how I am right now with this Nicorette gum. If I find a piece, I am just yeah.
Karen: 19:47
And then, what do you do with it, though Chew it.
Scott: 19:50
Tell the truth, 100% yeah.
Karen: 19:54
Yes, but the good news, I won’t buy any.
Wendy: 19:57
I will not buy any yeah.
Scott: 19:58
And I think I’m pretty much four days, five days out of it, but it goes back to what we’re talking about too. That’s a habit, that’s a buster.
Scott: 20:08
That’s a buster conscious choice and the and the circle allows us to bust those habits. So I’m not going to go home and observe everything that happened to me, discuss it with myself, reflect on it and then create these crazy shenanigans and stories, yell at my kids because of what somebody else did to me before Yell at my spouse. I am going to build a new way of thinking, talk to somebody I trust, hold me accountable, take action and wonderful things happen.
Wendy: 20:34
And you know the thing about this, the way you’re describing this right, scott, this learning circle is it’s constant.
Scott: 20:42
Like in life.
Wendy: 20:46
Like we’re always having these new kairos moments and and so forth and so um, and they could be really small or they could be some major thing in our life oh, I gave my wife a hard time about an hour ago.
Scott: 20:57
So she’s talking about something she wants to do and I mean it’s kind of expensive I I forget what it is, it’s like $1,200. And so I kind of throw something chirpy right and then I come and sit back at my desk. I’m like wait a minute, like she wants to do this, and then like our golf membership is more than that.
Scott: 21:22
So I go upstairs I’m like, hey, I’m sorry, Because last time I checked I get to go play golf, we go to the club, we do all this stuff and I’m sorry to whatever you want to do. Um, you don’t give me a hard time about that and I gave you a hard time, I’m sorry. So, um, and that was that was helpful for me and I knew it was helpful for for, and I knew it was helpful for her and it was what a tacky thing to do.
Wendy: 21:48
It’s just testy from not having your Nicorette you think it is A little bit maybe, but you, yeah, but you realized you had a choice in how you showed up and you, you know, I mean, you went through this process and you know and I love this too. So I talked to you know, whether it’s in a group or you know clients about how we get when we choose to practice these things. And, trust me, me too, every single day, when we choose to practice these things, we do get to a point that we start showing up in that way and we’re not even thinking about it anymore.
Wendy: 22:26
Just like you just went through that whole learning circle this morning and it’s not like you were like, well, let me go pull out my learning circle and remember you know the steps I need to go through. You just have been practicing and paying attention to that and know the importance and the impact of it for so long. And my guess is you don’t do it every time, right, because you’re human, but you can lean into that and that’s what I think we’re inviting our listeners to is knowing that it isn’t about beating ourselves up or whatever it might be, telling ourselves all the things we do wrong. It’s about remembering that. How are we showing up? If that’s serving you, great, keep on keeping on, but if it’s not serving you or other people, then what’s another way to think about it and what’s another action you can take? So thanks for sharing that with us, Jeff.
Scott: 23:15
Lerner, phd. Well, they’re tools too. I mean, and we didn’t learn this in school, this in school? I mean, we didn’t, I didn’t learn at all. I’d learn like the hard way. But when we, when we embrace this and we, then we, and then everything doesn’t, every problem doesn’t look like a nail and every solution is a hammer, and then what we really get to experience is our past can’t solve future problems because our past got us to where we are today. So how do we think differently around and karen brought this up the last time present where am I today? And then I’ve got a new opportunity to maybe think differently or do something differently, and then the people will say, well, that’s not really who he is. The skeptics and naysayers and the bystanders. You’ll hear tons of those chirps, but it feels good. Keep doing it. Keep doing it. Your body needs to know, your brain needs to know, others need to know, and it’ll take. It’ll take time.
Scott: 24:20
Like gum in my car.
Wendy: 24:24
So, scott, if if we were to ask you then, right, about your book. Culture is an inside job. What else do you feel like is left? Obviously the whole book, so go out and purchase the book. We’ll just say that. But like, what else is left that if you could just leave the listeners with something that if I had, if they haven’t read your book or, you know, inviting them to do so, what might be important for them to know that we haven’t talked about, or to just tie it up in a nutshell Whatever.
Scott: 25:00
I think I told you this before, but I think all of us take parts of our ability to be brave and courageous and our potential to bring beauty to the world, and we put it in a room and we lock it because we’re afraid of what others might think about us.
Scott: 25:21
And then the beauty is the fact that all of that stuff, it’s locked and the doors locked from the inside, and we have the key. So if we do the deep, hard, compelling work, we can unlock that room and we can open that door and we have a new way of thinking. And then new way of thinking can bring um beauty to our relationships, to our future, to to just all kinds of things. And then we and Karen has talked about that we can live in a world where, like, we’re fearless this is who I am, and if you don’t like it, sorry, I’m, I’m. I’m not going to apologize for who I am. And then the great thing is, too, is like this is my best today, and if I have the mindset to be unbelievably curious, like I can bring my best self tomorrow, but I also know that my best can make some really bad mistakes, right, and it’s all.
Karen: 26:24
Ooh, there’s a dog going behind.
Scott: 26:26
Is that Lola? But I think, at the end of the day is we are called to be attractive to humanity, not in a vain way, but to other people, cause there are a lot of lonely, tired, broken people out of there, and if we can create an army of people that bring light to the world, then I’m all in.
Wendy: 26:41
Yes, Karen, any any thoughts about that or last minute thoughts?
Karen: 26:47
Just there is something effortless about that right. Being authentic is so much easier than wearing a mask and trying to show up hiding yourself or trying to be what everybody else thinks that you should be Yep, Unapologetic, yeah.
Wendy: 27:06
And so, if we?
Scott: 27:08
were to ask and you guys have all of the great tools. Well, together, all of us, that’s okay.
Karen: 27:15
You guys are like we all have some tools.
Wendy: 27:18
Well, yeah, the only reason we have tools is because other people were willing to share their tools with us. Right, us right. So it’s like a collection of tools over time and that’s what we get to do, but if we were to ask our listeners to go inside Scott. What do you think would be the best challenge? Maybe around the learning circle?
Scott: 27:44
around the learning circle. I think what would be healthy would be if you just when you? I’ll give you an example. We were talking to that guy at the hospital and he was talking about how he went home and all he, how he wants to do is just relax and how his family’s. Like dad, you’re always tired, and one of the things I asked him to consider would be and I did this with my own family is is what is that saying to your family when you come home and you gave everything to work, you’ve got nothing left for them Because, well, that’s not what I meant. I’m like I know that’s not what you meant, but that’s what you gave them.
Scott: 28:17
And I did the same and I bring this to light because I did the same thing. Did the same thing is really like consider that whole, observe, reflect, discuss. I’m a big fan of journaling, so if you would think about, and maybe you just need to write three things down that you observed during the day, maybe message you made, and then to help you is maybe think of three things that you’re grateful for. You know gratitude heals a lot of stuff. Um, and then to help you is maybe think of three things that you’re grateful for. You know gratitude heals a lot of stuff.
Karen: 28:50
I don’t care how bad your life is.
Scott: 28:51
Sometimes even air condition in your car can make yourself feel better. You should always but really think about if I was going to observe, reflect, discuss, what are the three things that I’m going to observe, reflect and discuss internally. What are those? And then, who in my life can I bring those three things to life? To? Am I truth tellers, a good friend, somebody that’s going to be honest with me and hold me accountable for what the next steps might be? Don’t boil the ocean. Someone gave me that advice down in Cincinnati.
Scott: 29:24
Scott great ideas. You’re trying to boil the ocean. Someone gave me that advice down in Cincinnati. It’s got great ideas. You’re trying to blow out the ocean.
Wendy: 29:28
It’s not going to work. Yeah, so three. Like I learned that through you too like power of three the rule of three, all the things right. Yes, okay, beautiful. So again to all our listeners. Thank you, we appreciate you, see you.
